April 13, 1976 - November 12, 2003.

[amelialourdes]

I guess I've been keeping this window open just trying to figure out what to put in here. I thought, "Maybe a picture?" No. "Maybe a picture with the dates on it?" No. "An image of him?" No.

In the end, I'm just going to put this. Another year has gone by and I still find myself typing in his name in the imdb search box and expecting to find a new project listed there. I was so used to doing that five years ago. Five years ago he completely consumed my life. My "goal", my ambition was really to get involved in a project that he's involved in just to be able to say that I've worked with him in some capacity. I think that scifi_addict can definitely attest to my weird outbursts in high school because I really was completely infatuated with him.

Then in September 2003, I finally saw him in person. His attitude just came off as a little arrogant, a little shy, and I was intimidated. I didn't want to hunt him down for a picture or just to meet him. I was too nervous and scared to meet this man that I was completely enamored with. I couldn't do it. He meant so much to me and I was nervous. I said that I'd have plenty of chances to meet him again.

November 17th, I read an article in a newspaper in Ohio saying that he'd died. I only believed it when the producers of The Year That Trembled e-mailed me back and told me that the news was true.

I keep reliving these moments every year during this time because it all feels like it was yesterday. It's the first time that I ever felt that pain and for someone that I didn't know but for someone that I really did admire, deeply. His ambitions were really the same as mine and at that age, being a college freshman, I had high aspirations and ambitions for myself and Jonathan definitely became a symbol for that. With him gone, I felt and at times I still feel lost.

Every year is different and every year I'm at a different place in my life but I can mark those moments with his passing. Five years ago today Jonathan Brandis died and it's something that I will never forget. I'll never forget how much he meant to me, how much he represented for me, how much he impacted the lives of so many people and he'll never know. So, Jonathan, wherever you are, thank you for what you gave me and continue to give me today. I'm thinking about you.