for the most sensitive among us the noise can be too much.

A note to myself to hold myself accountable in the future -- hey, future me! Do this!

My birthmother was 32 when she had me. Her birthday's in September and I'm thinking about her now that September's almost here. Everything I know about myself and my genealogical background is on a sheet of paper I got from my adoption agency. I have that information about her from that paper. So, I want to plan a trip to go to the Philippines when I'm 32 in 2017. I want to do a photographic series about my life. I want to visit the agency that brought me to my parents, the nuns and their institution who contributed to my birthmother's health, and maybe even make it back to where my birthmother's from. I think that'd be interesting and I hope that by 2017, I'll be better at taking photos. I think I'm giving myself enough time. I'll be curious going there at that point in my life and being the same age as she was when she had me. That's the plan, future self!

Beautiful day today in Los Angeles.

I woke up pretty late after staying up really late last night. I haven't stayed up that late in a long time and I have no idea why. After all the crying and unexpected annoyance of yesterday, I'd have thought I'd go to bed early but that wasn't the case. So, it was close to lunch by the time I woke up and my mom and I decided to go out. We were going to get our tree anyway. We had a really nice lunch, a really nice talk, and a bit of shopping. I crossed a couple more people off my list and I'll send their gifts tomorrow. I'm still working on Christmas cards. I hope I can get those out tomorrow, too.

The tree we picked this year is beautiful. It's the perfect shape, the perfect size, the perfect height. We haven't decorated it yet. I was planning on getting started tonight but I still have the cards to do. I'll post a photo when the tree's decorated and there's something underneath. I solved my little (non) problem about Christmas gifts from my mother. I ordered a few things from amazon and that's that. I'm definitely happy. Gift taken care of! I think I have a small gift for her for Christmas and then I'm probably gonna go all out for her birthday -- present, card, food, the works. I got her a laptop bundle from Best Buy. She's always wanted one and it was so cheap! You get a laptop, mouse, case, and flash drive all for $329 + tax. Crazy, right? My first laptop cost $1,000 and it had 6 GB in it. And the only laptops I buy now are Macs so those are $2,000 but for a basic laptop with the bells and whistles, $329's a great price.

My mom and I are pretty quick about getting a tree every year. We usually see one, make sure it's a nice height, size, cut, and then that's it. Two years in a row now we've picked the first tree we saw, had it wrapped up and tried to the roof of my car in less than half an hour.

One of my favorite Christmas memories is this time we had a Toyota station wagon. We picked a really large tree and we put it inside the car, put the seats down so it would fit. I know this was illegal as hell but we didn't live too far from where we picked the tree. Me and my dad laid down on either side of the tree and held on to it while my mom drove us home. We smiled and laughed the whole way home, holding on to the branches to make sure the tree wouldn't fall out. I mean, I couldn't do anything about it if it fell. I think I was 5 or 6 years old at the time but it was fun, doing something dangerous, all of us happy.

Happiness comes in other ways now. Like today when I was driving the tree home and I drove my mom past a studio we live near. Then *N Sync's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" started playing on the radio. I blasted the song at full volume and sang the rest of the way home. Always good to form new happy memories.

I remember Christmas used to be a tough time. I have nothing to complain about and I'm not comparing or thinking about the Christmas experience of others but I used to have great Christmases. My family used to come over and we'd celebrate all Christmas Eve and well into Christmas Day. Me, my mom, and my cousins used to sleep next to the tree with the fireplace lit on blankets on the floor or on the couches. Just because. We'd wake up in the morning and open up our presents, watch the parade on ABC. It all ended when I was 7, of course. Christmases were never really the same after that. I think we tried our best to make it like it used to be. Family still came over sometimes but when my dad left, it was like reality came crashing down and I knew things were never the same.

I was 10 when I spent my first Christmas Eve almost completely alone. I was at my Uncle's house and my Aunt and Uncle must've been downstairs. I was in my cousin's room, working on a research paper I had due when I came back from Christmas break. My mom had left to be with a friend and my dad dropped me off early so he could drive to Tennessee to marry his second wife. My mom didn't know my dad was leaving me early and she felt so guilty when she came back. But, I didn't fault her. She didn't know. I just remember this crushing and overwhelming sadness. It's really such a shock to the system when things alter so drastically -- having family over, a big house with lots of laughter and food -- to an empty house and silence.

Things changed again after I was 16. My dad stopped spending Christmases and major holidays with me. I got phone calls, sometimes. Things are still the same. A phone call every major holiday. The one Christmas I tried to make things feel right for myself was just a couple of years ago. I tried to take a photo with both of my parents in it. My grandmother was there and immediately called us all out on it, saying it was "bad luck" to be in a photo together. At 26 years old, I don't think I should've been meant to feel like what I was doing was wrong. I wanted a photo of me and my parents together. I can't remember the last picture we have as a family. They're my parents.

Things are a little better, I think. I don't feel disappointed at Christmas anymore. I take it for what it is and I'm happy spending time with my family when I have it. I think I know not to be disappointed during the holidays. Things change and things can't be the way they were. It was a happier time but there'll be happy times to come and sad times to come. Have to take them as they come and the day is what you make of it.

I'm on a roll here. I think that I can go the rest of the week for Halloween. Halloween is the kids holiday. Sure, teenagers and adults dress up even more slutty than they do that night than any other night (and have an excuse to do it) but it is/was a big kids holiday when I was growing up. The trick-or-treaters got fewer and fewer every year. The kids started going out earlier and it got to a point where people would get angry if you're still out at 8 or 9 at night. That's how it was in my neighborhood. But when I was a kid? It really was candy heaven.

Halloween's coming up and I pretty much have an essential childhood list of movies that I watch during this time every year. Maybe that's why I'm regressing. It's the upcoming holiday. I used to love it. I guess I still do. I don't exactly have a reason to hate it. So, let's make that list of Halloween features I watch every year with pictures and maybe some youtube material.

1. Eerie, Indiana: I was the kind of kid who read every book in the RL Stein catalog. I loved Goosebumps, I loved his more "adult" novels, and I especially loved anything from the Fear Street Series. I love horror and stories that are just creepy. Eerie had all of those elements. Even though it was a kids show, there was definitely a very, very dark/realistic elements to their stories. Here are my top five Eerie, Indiana episodes. Thanks youtube!

- The Dead Letter: Starring future Spiderman, Tobey Macguire, was particularly heartbreaking. Tobey's a ghost and all he wants is to deliver a letter to his true love.
- Foreverware: Would you really like to live forever in a Tupperware box? Yeah, these people did.
- Who's Who: Girl who lives in an abusive family can make her drawings come to life! Oh man. I wanted this one to be real. Can you imagine altering your reality just by signing your name at the bottom of a sketch?
- Heart On A Chain: A kid dies, he's an organ donor, and gives his heart to a girl who needs it. The girl is Marshall's first real crush and the boy who died also had a crush on her! Bad times ensue.
The Lost Hour: What happens when you ignore DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME?? THIS happens. Watch it.

2. Disney Channel? It used to be awesome. This was a long, long, long time ago before they started exploiting Miley, Hilary, Lindsay, and others. Disney had a lot of really great original programming designed for kids that really showed kids how to be kids and not to grow up too fast. Sigh. Nostalgia. Anyway! They had a block of movies on every Friday called "Triple Feature Friday" and I still have a tape of one in particular that featured: Canon Movie Tales - Hansel and Gretel, The Worst Witch (with Fairuza Balk and Tim Curry), and of course the ever present Hocus Pocus.

3. Okay I cheated in #2 since there were three movies in there but all highly recommended! Disney Channel also made a great mix of their scariest/fun themed Halloween stories called Disney's Halloween Treat. You can watch the whole thing here. I mean, I'd like to find somebody that WASN'T freaked out by Night on Bald Mountain from Fantasia. I mean ... terrifying as a child and even now I don't want to watch it at night. That's for sure.

4. Halloween makes me think of fairy tales. Everyone gets dressed up in costumes like Snow White and Cinderella and I know that that's likely because of the Disney versions of those characters but I don't think about Disney. I think about Faerie Tale Theater.

- Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know how I could pick just a few favorite stories but I'm going to try. This is the very first episode of the series and it stars Shelley Duvall as the Princess who spins gold. It's just fun watching her spin it and then struggle to think of the name Rumpelstiltskin. But, she's a clever one.
- Rapunzel: This is my favorite for one reason only --- radishes. You'll see why. This one stars Shelley Duvall again and a gorgeous Jeff Bridges.
- Cinderella: Jennifer Beals is Cinderella, Eve Arden is the step-mother, and Matthew Broderick is Ferris the Prince. Absolutely gorgeous outfits in this one.
- Snow White: No one plays crazy as well as Vanessa Redgrave and then you get to stare at the gorgeous Elizabeth McGovern as Snow White. This is one of my favorite versions of Snow White. It feels really delicate and Elizabeth plays a wonderful Snow White.
- The Little Mermaid: Sure. I love the Disney version. But this is the most memorable Little Mermaid that I've ever seen. It's just a sad, sad story and that's what I like about it. This one stars Pam Dawber and a handsome and young Treat Williams.
- Hansel and Gretel: I love pretty much all versions of this story but this one and the Canon one are my favorite. Joan Collins plays a bitch of a step-mother/witch and little Ricky Schroder is Hansel. The batter looks so good in this version.

5. What is Halloween without Are You Afraid of the Dark? These still creep me out. I'll admit it. I just like the originals though. It stretched a little out into 1996 but that's where it stops for me. The stories became different, the cast changed, and it was no longer the same show. It was solely Canadian and wasn't aired for an American audience.

- The Tale of the Dream Girl: This one has always been my favorite episode. I loved the brother/sister relationship that the two had in the story. They were friends as well as siblings. The story itself is original and sad but romantic in its way. So, I totally fell in love with the guy in the episode at a young age. Imagine my surprise when that guy popped up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Queer as Folk! Hi Fab. Pretty much the longest television crush I've ever had on anyone, ever. Oh and yes. It was the inspiration for a movie that had the same theme in it. Released in 1996. Starred Bruce Willis. You know.
- The Tale of the Frozen Ghost: There are two things that I hate with a fiery passion when it comes to horror stories. Dead ghost kids and their dead ghostly whispers. It will never fail to freak me out and run crying to Mommy. That said, this episode will always scare me and I don't think that I've watched it since the mid-90s. It guest stars Clarissa Explains It All star Melissa Joan Hart!
- The Tale of the Lonely Ghost: DEAD. SILENT. KID. PLEH. *shudders*
- The Tale of the Prom Queen: I love this story. LOVED. LOVED. LOVED IT. I think it's because I'd describe it the way that I'd describe The Tale of the Dream Girl. This story is sad, original, but also romantic.
- The Tale of the Vacant Lot: Shy girl stumbles upon a tent that sells everything she needs to make her popular. She has no money so the shopkeep takes something else instead. Who didn't want to be the shy girl turned popular girl? But it comes with a price.

I could seriously do this all day or night as it is. Like I said, Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. As a kid I used to do the trick-or-treating thing, come home, and enjoy all of the above. I did discover one more show that evoked the spirit of the shows and movies that I've listed. Dead Like Me, particularly the last episode of the series, had everything that I wanted in a Halloween special. There are kids, a reflection on childhood, candy, and death. You can watch that here. Hope you enjoyed this one!

i didn't think that i was going to write anything today. i don't know what else to say that hasn't been said or i didn't want to clutter the friends list with more michael. though, for me, there is never enough michael.

many of us grew up with him. we saw him from his "i'll be there" to "never can say goodbye" to "dancing machine" to "thriller" to "bad" to "dangerous" and to "blood on the dance floor" and "invincible". he was literally there as we (his fans) grew up. i was born in 1985 and i remember when the singles from bad were all over the radio. i tell this story a lot but it's because the memory is so vivid. i was in my mom's dental office and i heard "man in the mirror" for the first time. i remember feel so excited and happy to hear a new michael jackson song on the radio.

i felt that way every time that i heard a new michael jackson album or song. i know a lot of people have these stories. michael's been so part of their lives and most of us share in that experience of having a michael jackson memory. i consider myself really, really lucky to have discovered his music at such a young age because he's truly rooted in my life. i've never stopped being a michael jackson fan and i never will.

it has really hurt to watch the memorial. i haven't really stopped crying since they started. the memories, the speeches, the montage, the michael songs, his daughter speaking to the crowd for the first time. he really did as good of a job as he could do protecting those kids from the media. it's kind of incredible in this day how we could not see their faces or even hear from those kids until now. i imagine he didn't want them to suffer the scrutiny that he'd faced at such a young age.

but, he'll definitely be missed. i don't think that we'll ever see anyone else like him.

today is a remembrance day for him and his music and his dancing and his originality so i'll leave you with a few videos.

Happy Easter for all who celebrate! I've decided to regress and dye easter eggs this year. Um, I couldn't find any of those PAAS dye kits like they used to have when I was kid. Were they just all sold out when I was looking for them? If I can't find them next year I'll just ebay it or buy it online from somewhere. Anyway, here are pictures of the process and the finished product!

( The rest of the pictures behind the cut. )

Hope everyone had a good one!

The Bishop supports Loretto's efforts to remain part of the Sacramento community. I'm reaching out to everyone here and anyone who is willing to help our school. It's such an important institution for the women of the Sacramento area. These women need choices. Anyone can go to whatever high school they want but if they want to go to a college preparatory institution with a parochical slant there are only a few choices: Christian Brothers (co-ed), Saint Francis (all female), Jesuit (all male), and Loretto (all female). Take away the latter and women are left with Saint Francis. Have the four schools, our brother and sister schools, gives it an even slant.

Two other all girl institutions have been shut down already in previous years and though I don't know of their efforts, I know that that's the last thing that they wanted for their schools.

The last thing that we want for our school is to go down without a fight, an attempt to keep our school open for generations of Sacramento women to call home as we alumni do.

http://tinyurl.com/LHS-on-facebook
Loretto Facebook Community

I hope it's enough to save our school. I really wish I could go to the rally but any Sacramento area people go and show your support! I'll be thinking about you guys.

It's finally Thanksgiving and that means that I had a half day today.

That also means that I have four complete days of vacation in which I'm thinking about what I'm going to do. I'm going to be doing the eating thing tomorrow but since we don't really have a lot of family over, Thanksgiving is just an ordinary day with a fantastic parade and a hell of a lot of food for me and my mom.

I used to boycott the holiday because when I was 8 years old my dad decided that he wasn't going to come for Thanksgiving and that was really crushing. Honestly, it's not like I remember many Thanksgivings that I had in my house with my family but I remember being 8 years old and my dad telling me that he wasn't coming for Thanksgiving. I remember crying on the phone and asking him why.

It was one of the first times that I really felt the effects of the divorce on me and it was a painful experience. You know what? Most of the time I'm really Chandler for Thanksgiving. I just want the food, I want the day but then it's over and I don't really think about it much. But, I guess my mom and I now have this new tradition of buying food, watching the parade and just doing whatever.

So, I'm thinking about what to do. I have a lot of movies that need watching. I have a lot of DVDs to go through. I'm thinking about doing that. I'm also planning to see Milk soon. The movie prices are kind of outrageous at Arclight so I'm debating on whether or not I should wait for it to come out nation wide so I can see it in other theaters for a cheaper ticket. Although, I love Arclight I don't know if I want to pay $14.50 a ticket.

Ah, what are the holidays without these entries?

So, I left home pretty early yesterday since I was going to Disneyland. I left around 10 and wasn't watching the news and didn't know about anything that would be considered unusual going on over there.

I drove into Anaheim and oh my god. I don't think that I've ever seen smoke from the fires hover like that. I got into the parking lot and it just smelled like smoke. Not only that but it was extremely windy and hot and I'm sure that the fires made everything hotter.

In the park, it literally felt like the smoke cloud was hovering over everything because in the far distance you could see patches of blue sky but it was generally this patchy cloud of brown, brown smoke. I'm surprised I'm still breathing normally today with god only knows what floating in the air.

Well, that made the lines incredible short at Disneyland and we rode on pretty much everything. Still, I'm thinking about everyone who has lost their homes, people who are being evacuated, people who are worried and scared about what's going to happen.

It just really could happen anywhere and I live near the hills so it could happen here too. I know that I'm definitely going to do what I can to be more prepared. I know that they tell you to make a scan and disc of your important information so that's definitely something that I'm going to do.

I'm watching the news and there are a ridiculous amount of freeway closures. If I was still living at my uncle's place I can't imagine how I would've been able to get home last night with the 57 freeway foreclosure.

But, just hope that everyone's okay over there.

I guess I've been keeping this window open just trying to figure out what to put in here. I thought, "Maybe a picture?" No. "Maybe a picture with the dates on it?" No. "An image of him?" No.

In the end, I'm just going to put this. Another year has gone by and I still find myself typing in his name in the imdb search box and expecting to find a new project listed there. I was so used to doing that five years ago. Five years ago he completely consumed my life. My "goal", my ambition was really to get involved in a project that he's involved in just to be able to say that I've worked with him in some capacity. I think that scifi_addict can definitely attest to my weird outbursts in high school because I really was completely infatuated with him.

Then in September 2003, I finally saw him in person. His attitude just came off as a little arrogant, a little shy, and I was intimidated. I didn't want to hunt him down for a picture or just to meet him. I was too nervous and scared to meet this man that I was completely enamored with. I couldn't do it. He meant so much to me and I was nervous. I said that I'd have plenty of chances to meet him again.

November 17th, I read an article in a newspaper in Ohio saying that he'd died. I only believed it when the producers of The Year That Trembled e-mailed me back and told me that the news was true.

I keep reliving these moments every year during this time because it all feels like it was yesterday. It's the first time that I ever felt that pain and for someone that I didn't know but for someone that I really did admire, deeply. His ambitions were really the same as mine and at that age, being a college freshman, I had high aspirations and ambitions for myself and Jonathan definitely became a symbol for that. With him gone, I felt and at times I still feel lost.

Every year is different and every year I'm at a different place in my life but I can mark those moments with his passing. Five years ago today Jonathan Brandis died and it's something that I will never forget. I'll never forget how much he meant to me, how much he represented for me, how much he impacted the lives of so many people and he'll never know. So, Jonathan, wherever you are, thank you for what you gave me and continue to give me today. I'm thinking about you.