Christmas past.
Dec. 11th, 2013 09:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amelialourdes
I remember Christmas used to be a tough time. I have nothing to complain about and I'm not comparing or thinking about the Christmas experience of others but I used to have great Christmases. My family used to come over and we'd celebrate all Christmas Eve and well into Christmas Day. Me, my mom, and my cousins used to sleep next to the tree with the fireplace lit on blankets on the floor or on the couches. Just because. We'd wake up in the morning and open up our presents, watch the parade on ABC. It all ended when I was 7, of course. Christmases were never really the same after that. I think we tried our best to make it like it used to be. Family still came over sometimes but when my dad left, it was like reality came crashing down and I knew things were never the same.
I was 10 when I spent my first Christmas Eve almost completely alone. I was at my Uncle's house and my Aunt and Uncle must've been downstairs. I was in my cousin's room, working on a research paper I had due when I came back from Christmas break. My mom had left to be with a friend and my dad dropped me off early so he could drive to Tennessee to marry his second wife. My mom didn't know my dad was leaving me early and she felt so guilty when she came back. But, I didn't fault her. She didn't know. I just remember this crushing and overwhelming sadness. It's really such a shock to the system when things alter so drastically -- having family over, a big house with lots of laughter and food -- to an empty house and silence.
Things changed again after I was 16. My dad stopped spending Christmases and major holidays with me. I got phone calls, sometimes. Things are still the same. A phone call every major holiday. The one Christmas I tried to make things feel right for myself was just a couple of years ago. I tried to take a photo with both of my parents in it. My grandmother was there and immediately called us all out on it, saying it was "bad luck" to be in a photo together. At 26 years old, I don't think I should've been meant to feel like what I was doing was wrong. I wanted a photo of me and my parents together. I can't remember the last picture we have as a family. They're my parents.
Things are a little better, I think. I don't feel disappointed at Christmas anymore. I take it for what it is and I'm happy spending time with my family when I have it. I think I know not to be disappointed during the holidays. Things change and things can't be the way they were. It was a happier time but there'll be happy times to come and sad times to come. Have to take them as they come and the day is what you make of it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-12-12 07:41 am (UTC)buzziecat
no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 03:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-12 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-12 09:11 pm (UTC)I'm glad you've been able to come to terms with the changing times. It can be really hard. I'm certain there are many happy times in your future, bb. xo
no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 04:03 am (UTC)And thanks, bb. Yeah, definitely hasn't been fun. None of it. I'm not looking for anything like a Normal Rockwell painting. I had it and it's just a different painting now. <3
no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-13 06:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-16 07:53 am (UTC)