I had a bad fucking weekend.

I am so fucking mad right now. I thought that I'd just go ahead and document how pissed off I actually am. Not only am I mad but I'm just sad and disappointed and it's making me feel like ... I don't know. What's the lowest form of molecule that you can be? Is there a word for that?

I went to Las Vegas this weekend to see my dad. I drove (with mom) on Saturday morning to get to Vegas at an early hour. I didn't really have anything planned with my dad but I wanted to get some time in. I wanted to talk to him and hang out just like last time. I wanted to do these things and did these things happen?

No. No, of course they didn't.

What did end up happening? I called my dad when we got there around 11 AM and I said, hey I'm here so what's the plan? The plan was that he has to go "somewhere" with his brother-in-law and then they're going to Church at 4 and they have to drop my grandmother off at the casino after that.

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere."

"Where are you going?"

"This place."

"Where are you going?"

"My brother-in-law is a contractor so we're going to this quarry to ..."

"..."

I didn't know what to say. To think that I actually drove all the way there with the intention of finding out how he is and spending time with him and of course, I'm always on the back burner. I'm always last. Everyone else is more important than me. That's the way it is and that's the way it's always going to be so I have to remember that.

It wasn't until after five that he called and told me that he's not feeling good and has to take his medicine which leaves him sleepy and he's knocked out until the next day. I told him that I came there to see him and he said that I have to forgive him because he doesn't feel good. Well, the reason that he doesn't feel good is because he was touting around that brother-in-law of his. For someone who had heart surgery, he's not doing himself any favors.

This asshole fucktard, excuse me, brother-in-law has been there since October 28th. I am there one weekend. I am there one day in a weekend because I made it a point to leave early on Sunday morning. I mean, what am I thinking trying to have a relationship with my father?

Fuck him. Fuck if he's going to get a phone call from me for the next month until I find myself there again to see some people from the Philippines.

To say that I'm upset is an understatement. Tonight, just felt like the cherry on the pie of how my weekend has turned out. It really is just one of those, kick you when you're down moments that I've really come to enjoy in my life. < / sarcasm > Normally when I'm feeling like this I stay home all day and try to feel better with watching a lot of my favorite shows or movies. Instead, I'll go to work, sit there, not eat and attempt to make it home without the urge to crash my car into something.

Kidding, almost. Not really. But, definitely feeling that way though, you know? Rejection hurts. Rejection from a parent just makes you feel like you're not good enough. You're not worth this person's time. I look to my father for something that I need. No matter what he does to me, I keep trying to come back for it. Maybe it's male attention, affection because god knows that I don't get that from anyone except from him and I barely get it from him.

I guess I'm just one of those people with no self-esteem that I have to depend on things like that. Not even low. Just none of it. I don't remember the last time that I thought that I had some. And it's weekends like these, moments like these, days like these that make me think that this can only get worse.

Welcome to nablopomo, day nine.