I had a bad fucking weekend.

[amelialourdes]

I am so fucking mad right now. I thought that I'd just go ahead and document how pissed off I actually am. Not only am I mad but I'm just sad and disappointed and it's making me feel like ... I don't know. What's the lowest form of molecule that you can be? Is there a word for that?

I went to Las Vegas this weekend to see my dad. I drove (with mom) on Saturday morning to get to Vegas at an early hour. I didn't really have anything planned with my dad but I wanted to get some time in. I wanted to talk to him and hang out just like last time. I wanted to do these things and did these things happen?

No. No, of course they didn't.

What did end up happening? I called my dad when we got there around 11 AM and I said, hey I'm here so what's the plan? The plan was that he has to go "somewhere" with his brother-in-law and then they're going to Church at 4 and they have to drop my grandmother off at the casino after that.

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere."

"Where are you going?"

"This place."

"Where are you going?"

"My brother-in-law is a contractor so we're going to this quarry to ..."

"..."

I didn't know what to say. To think that I actually drove all the way there with the intention of finding out how he is and spending time with him and of course, I'm always on the back burner. I'm always last. Everyone else is more important than me. That's the way it is and that's the way it's always going to be so I have to remember that.

It wasn't until after five that he called and told me that he's not feeling good and has to take his medicine which leaves him sleepy and he's knocked out until the next day. I told him that I came there to see him and he said that I have to forgive him because he doesn't feel good. Well, the reason that he doesn't feel good is because he was touting around that brother-in-law of his. For someone who had heart surgery, he's not doing himself any favors.

This asshole fucktard, excuse me, brother-in-law has been there since October 28th. I am there one weekend. I am there one day in a weekend because I made it a point to leave early on Sunday morning. I mean, what am I thinking trying to have a relationship with my father?

Fuck him. Fuck if he's going to get a phone call from me for the next month until I find myself there again to see some people from the Philippines.

To say that I'm upset is an understatement. Tonight, just felt like the cherry on the pie of how my weekend has turned out. It really is just one of those, kick you when you're down moments that I've really come to enjoy in my life. < / sarcasm > Normally when I'm feeling like this I stay home all day and try to feel better with watching a lot of my favorite shows or movies. Instead, I'll go to work, sit there, not eat and attempt to make it home without the urge to crash my car into something.

Kidding, almost. Not really. But, definitely feeling that way though, you know? Rejection hurts. Rejection from a parent just makes you feel like you're not good enough. You're not worth this person's time. I look to my father for something that I need. No matter what he does to me, I keep trying to come back for it. Maybe it's male attention, affection because god knows that I don't get that from anyone except from him and I barely get it from him.

I guess I'm just one of those people with no self-esteem that I have to depend on things like that. Not even low. Just none of it. I don't remember the last time that I thought that I had some. And it's weekends like these, moments like these, days like these that make me think that this can only get worse.

Welcome to nablopomo, day nine.

Comments

[redrose-7272.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend! Talking from personal experience fathers can be such a******* sometimes.

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with you. And any other moment where they're not is pretty fleeting.

[colorthenight.livejournal.com]

Gah, I'm sorry. That sound like a really crappy thing to have happened.

Rejection from a parent just makes you feel like you're not good enough

So v.v. true :/ But it sounds like you did everything right, having all the best intentions, so at the end of the day you have to hold onto that.

I hope the upcoming week turns out much better!

*hugs*

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

It was certainly a bad weekend. I see that you recently added me so I apologize that this is the first new entry that you got to see. But, hey, it happens, right?

Definitely as much as I'd like to have a relationship with my father, if he doesn't want one or doesn't want to put in the effort that I do then I don't think that it's worth it.

Thank you, me too. :)

[reeface.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon, I wish I could make your bad day go away. Nothing about that visit and how your dad treated you was acceptable. I'm so, so sorry. Imagine that right now I've got you curled up in my arms and kissing your forehead. I love you, you know that, right? ♥

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Did you send the chicken soup? I think it was you who sent the soup. I'm just going to say that. And thank you, it is a wonderful thing to imagine and v. v. comforting. I love you too ♥ Thank you for your words. Certainly need them today.

[reeface.livejournal.com]

Aww, nope, wasn't me, but I totally agree with the sentiment. *feeds you soup* *temple kiss*

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Aw, glad that you do. It's why I thought it was you!

You know what's just making the week better? Going through your old entries while I'm at work because I don't have any. I've really been watching this all day and going through your old entries to see where I first make a cameo appearance.

It's also made me terribly nostalgic as you know it does. It also leaves me wondering, what the hell happened to _in_babylon and if darksylvia's bad!fic community stayed open today it'd be a neverending stream of bad!fic.

[reeface.livejournal.com]

Aww, see. I thought my journal was feeling all warm and fuzzy this week. You were totally petting it! ♥

PUPPIES ALSKDJFA. Dial-up is not doing them justice, I know, but I can hear them play growling and snorfling and OMGSOCUTE. I've never heard of that breed. They're so fluffy! I want to sniff them so bad. PUPPYSMELL OMG.

Know how I know we're separated at birth? COS I WAS JUST WRITING UP A "WTF HAPPENED TO IN_BABYLON?" POST I KID YOU NOT. CRAZYNESS. Anyways! Yes, yes, yes, so nostaligic. I'd totally forgotten about the bad!fic comm! SPEAKING OF BADFIC. You need to review some more soon, y/y? *iz all subtle and stuff*

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Yes, omg. My co-worker and I have just been looking up adorable puppies all week because she's planning on adopting one. Google, Chinese Imperial Dogs because they are ADORABLE. And yes, PUPPYSMELL! I adore puppies, dogs. :D

OMG we were separated at birth! Totally weird that you were pondering that too. Well, hopefully someone will comment on your post and let us know where the heck it went. I know that someone took over it? Guess it kind of went kaput after that.

NEED MORE BAD!FIC. Yeah, right. As if I don't know where to go. :) Totally will be throwing myself into the flames and hope to make it out alive.

[missfactonista.livejournal.com]

A warm hug for my beloved concert buddy. See you this weekend at HOB? It will be a much better one. We will trash talk the lame indie hipster girls whom, given your description of them, I should be deathly afraid of? Anyway, :HUGS:.

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Taking your hugs, concert buddy. I'm so there at the House of Blues and we will have a rocking good time. I can't wait to trash talk. Not only that but we'll actually be standing next to one another at a concert! A first that I look forward to. *hugs*

[aurora]

Oh man, I'm so sorry about your weekend.

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) Things can only get better from here on out.

[fraserette.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling sometimes. It's sad but you always have to consider yourself first, he clearly doesn't. I wouldn't waste time on him if he's going to be like this, let him come to you if he wants a relationship. I watched a friend of mine try and try to impress her father and he couldn't have cared less, it made me sad and I didn't think she could even see what she was doing. Sometimes there's people who don't deserve to have the FULL you.

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right. It's very difficult to think that you're treated better by complete strangers rather than this person who's supposed to love you unconditionally. But like they say, you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and I'm grateful to have good friends and a really wonderful mother. She definitely has compensated for his loss. Thank you for your words though. I really, really appreciate it.

[fraserette.livejournal.com]

I let so many people walk all over me when I was younger, not my parents, but my "best" friends, it can take a lot before you're ready to see it but after awhile you just need to stand up and not let anyone bring you down. That's how you discover happiness!

[turnyourankle.livejournal.com]

:( this is why i gave up on my dad years ago. but i guess, i kinda understand why you keep trying? or maybe not. i just don't have the energy to even try.

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I definitely understand. Definitely, definitely. It's very hard to keep giving and giving when you barely receive anything in return. Maybe I'm just as a masochist at heart and I don't know it. I feel sad for the both of us. I really do. I think that we're lacking something that we should've had a chance to experience but for whatever reason, it wasn't in our cards.

[http://users.livejournal.com/___lullabelle/]

this entry made me sad. :o( i totally feel for you dude. for someone to go out of their way and be treated like that is so mean. hope your week gets better!
just think, hanson this weekend. that always puts me in a better mood! :D

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

I definitely don't tolerate that kind of behavior in my friends and I certainly won't stand to be treated this way by my own parent. He just has to realize that. And thank you, you're definitely right. A good Hanson weekend is just what I need to recover. :)

[darksylvia.livejournal.com]

What a shitty thing for him to do. It's hard for me to imagine how a parent could be that selfish, even if I know it happens every day.

You have every right to be pissed and hurt :(

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

It's really amazing sometimes and it's amazing what I can take. I mean I really just kind of feed off of those small pieces of attention and "love" and affection that he gives me but I know it's not enough to really be considered a viable and sustainable relationship. I have to be met halfway and to not be met at all is what's really at the base of all of this.

But, thank you. I just hope that week improves and this whole mess will be outweighed by all the good things that are happening. :)

[ohfreckle.livejournal.com]

That absolutely sucks from your father. And there's nothing for you to feel bad or not worthy about, it was plain and simple not-acceptable behaviour from him. *hugs*

[amelialourdes.livejournal.com]

Definitely just writing from stream of consciousness last night but still incredibly angry over the weekend's events. Hopefully this week will just be tons better. Thank you for saying so though. Words are very assuring and I needed to hear that. *hugs*