amelialourdes | jonathan brandis: april 13, 1976

I feel like I've said it all over these past eight years but the memories are still so clear like everything happened just yesterday. I guess that's what it feels like when you're there every step of the way like everything is happening in slow motion and all you can do is analyze that same moment over and over again and wish you'd done something different. I think suicide, especially, is like that. You wonder what you could've done to stop someone. Since Jonathan, I've had a suicide in my own family and I found out that the emotions of it weren't as different as they were when I heard about Jonathan in 2003. You wonder what else you could've done for them. You wonder why they didn't come to you (when I'd gone through the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions). You wonder what you could've done differently. I still wonder. We're the ones who are left behind and all we can do is honor their memory and remember the people they were when they were still here with us.

I wrote this for his birthday this year but it sums up today perfectly. It's dark and cloudy again as it was eight years ago but no rain this time. There was flooding in the streets in 2003 but now it's just dry. I still think about him and I'll always remember him on this day. Rest in peace, Jonathan.